Get Over Yourself!

Insecurities and vulnerability

Ever so often, I return to this video I did in 2015.

Why? A reminder of where I was and how I felt and saw myself. It’s now August 2021 as I write this and even though in 2015 I made the declaration that I will get over myself and do more videos, I didn’t.

Then that means I didn’t get over myself and that’s ok. It takes time to be vulnerable and show your insecurities to the world. You first have to accept it yourself and be so cool with it that even when triggered, it’s like water off your back. Am I fully there? No, but I have gotten better.

I have heard from others who felt like me that once you practise and in my case, showing myself on video, that it will become easier. No it didn’t! But I will say, I did practise and I am still alive so I learned one thing - that I won’t die from doing video.

One of my insecurities was and still is the color of my skin or rather colors of my skin. Now, I love being black and wish it n other way so don’t get me wrong but I have developed a skin situation where my skin has gotten much darker from my neck up and so for me there is a distinct color that is noticeable from the rest of my body. When I look back, I think it came from genetics. My father was extremely dark and in my pregancies (I have two children), I developed melanoma/melasma or what is generally knows as hyper pigmentation which never seemed to have left me after childbirth. Some areas it did but from my neck up, no. Plus it was made any better by me not doing anything about it. to be honest, I didn’t know how and wasn’t in a mental space of self care and self love to do so. That’s for another post.

In my second pregnancy, my mother brought to my attention that there was this line going down the back of my legs. Of course, if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have known because who looks at the back of their legs while they walk?

When I took a look, the line came from my ankle straight up the middle of my legs to my crotch. Half of my legs was darker than the other!

I shudder to think if I were to have a third child!

Anyway, so knowing nowadays more so than ever you are to show yourself on video, there was my two toned skin. Let’s not mention the acne along the chin which I pick. That too is another story!

When I came to myself and started loving me, I invested in a number of over the counter plus dermatological stuff and realized that it wasn’t meant for me. I just had to accept it and move on.

Here’s the second thing I learned - that I have two handsome sons I prefer to blame my skin on. As my gynecologist once told me, there are many women who would love to have children and can’t, so I should be thankful.

The third thing I learned - I am special. For whatever reason I don’t know of at this moment that my skin became this way, I am thankful. This story put it all in perspective for me and I am sure you reading this right now may also need the upliftment.

The fourth thing I learned - It can be managed or treated and it’s not contagious or terminal. Yay! What a relief! And so once something shows up on my skin that comes with age or hormones or whatever, I feel secure knowing that I am in great health and whatever i is can be either managed or treated.

What I say to myself now when I go on video? - I am the first to speak about it so I get the insecurities out of the way and if it were to be mentioned by the host or interviewer at the virtual or even live event, (though it has never come up which tells me it’s all in my head), I already exposed myself and am ok speaking about it and leverage the empowered state I created.

I also say I am different layers of chocolate! Yay, I know that created a visual in your mind which is exactly what happens for me. How yummy!

I am an avid watcher of YouTube videos and came upon an even darker young woman who shows up so confident that I said to myself, what really is my problem? Who am I trying to prove myself to? Why do I need to validate myself? Who am I comparing myself to? These questions and more would have also trespassed your mind, if you have insecurities and a fear of being vulnerable. Let me tell you right now, it’s not relevant and all are invalid!

Just like that story about the servant and the king, there is a purpose, you have a purpose and I have a purpose. What we need to focus on is aligning ourselves with that purpose for no one else cares how you look.

You know, that was another thing I learned - When you think others noticed what you are insecure abut, they actually don’t until you point it out. When you are doing videos for workshops, trainings or speaking at an event, no one cares how you look. Of course, look presentable and professional but in terms of your God given attributes,, no one cares. What matters to them is the information you share.

In 2020 I would say I started coming out of my shell of insecurities especially after doing lots more video recordings and live too; 5 years after doing that video! It seems like a lifetime but its really a short time. Nevertheless, I am doing much better and really don’t care what others think or have to say or may wish to say but hold back. I accept me and am comfortable with me, those layers of yummy chocolate!

As someone who does video a lot now, I know I have to invest in some equipment to improve the quality of my videos especially lighting. Not only for my skin but depending on natural light is not too efficient unless you ensure all recordings are done during peak daylight hours.

I actually checked into getting equipment from a specialist audio visual guy and was informed given the scenario I want to create going forward, that cameras were not made for black people especially those built in your laptop and even those they sell separately for recording video. I can’t go into the techy stuff he said but I believe him for I have read it elsewhere and other tech guys told me the same; so lighting is something I have to invest in and build from there. That would just improve the quality but it wouldn’t take away from my real and raw format of my podcast and trainings etc.

So, how do I feel now after 5 years of doing that ‘get over yourself ‘ video? Empowered and motivated to keep facing my insecurities which comes from fear and taking one step at a time. There is no checkered flag waiting for me and no time set to break. It’s ok, no matter how long it takes.

What have you been insecure about? Let’s help others get over themselves and know that we are here to support and encourage. Life is too short to sweat over the small or even big stuff that no one else cares about except our inner critic, the mind!